


Heartburn

by hasarena



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anal Sex, Basement, Confused Tsukiyama Shuu, Desperation, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, M/M, Mating Bites, Mentions of Rape, Nightmares, Obsession, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-08 06:43:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3199343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hasarena/pseuds/hasarena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he can eat this scene, he would. But all he can do is to let his eyes feast at the sight of Kaneki getting lost in his euphoria. </p><p>His eyes absorb the scene, seeing for the first time how he does not only hunger for Kaneki, but adores him completely. He drinks the sight of his partner’s arched back, looks at the sweaty white hair, sees his blood on Kaneki’s hands and notices the flush on his partner’s skin. Oh and how he craves those plump kissable lips. He needs to go to a doctor. He is sick with heartburn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hungry Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I have not written fan fiction in a very long time so please forgive me for any grammar or spelling mistakes you may spot.

It was 10:15pm and Tsukiyama was standing at the door of Kaneki’s apartment. He rang the doorbell twice and the half ghoul opened it immediately eyeing him with contempt.

“Good eveni--,“ was the greeting Tsukiyama tried to say but before he could finish, he was unceremoniously pulled inside by Kaneki, directed to the basement, and was ravished accordingly. What a très bien night. Clothes were ripped off, long wet kisses were given, and no explanation was offered for the uncharacteristic behavior of the one-eyed ghoul. Usually, things don’t happen this fast. Sometimes, he gets to drink coffee first. 

Earlier that evening, Tsukiyama got a text from Kaneki telling him to come ASAP. He wanted to come immediately but only managed to when his classes for the day were over. From what he can tell from the few minutes he came in the house, Kaneki is in urgent need of his Sword’s _special_ _services_ tonight.

The first time Tsukiyama smelled the one eyed ghoul’s blood in the café restrooms, the smell overwhelmed him, made him swoon in hunger. It was unique. He knew there was something special about Kaneki. He would never ever thought that he would be doing these things, things like having rough sex on the cold hard floor with the younger man. His initial interest was solely to sate his stomach and nothing more. Little does he know then that to continue this obsession will ruin his person, consuming him with desire to sate the hunger in his… his what? Was it still his stomach that hungers now?

 He knows that Kaneki is special and cannot be compared to any previous culinary obsession of his in the past. But what began as hunger from his stomach became a completely different kind of hunger that he cannot quite explain, a need that comes from his chest. The little four chambered muscle located in his chest is the one that hungers now and he has no idea how to feed a heart or how to make it stop from hurting. The folly in him was that a gourmand only knows one way to sate hunger and that is through the stomach.

 Tsukiyama Shuu is confused. As much as it hurts his pride to admit it, he finds himself doing whatever the one-eyed ghoul tells him to do because he doesn’t know what he _really_ wants to do.

SLAP!

Came the sound of a hand hitting his cheek. Tsukiyama was pulled away from his thoughts and was brought back to reality.

“Pay attention or else I will kick your naked ass out right now,” Kaneki threateningly whispered on his ears, but the threat was lost when it was followed with breathy moans. Before Tsukiyama could reply, Kaneki set a faster rhythm as he continued to lower his rear on Tsukiyama’s hard member.

Ah, how dare he lapse into a daydream when the food, the person of his very obsession lay panting in his arms? Kaneki was pleasuring him; squeezing him, moaning on top of him, feeding the fire of his arousal that is oh so hot he feels feverish.

As much as he craves this moment, his contemplations about his partner makes his chest feel weird. Don’t get him wrong, his heart is beating widely in excitement, yes, but it is also aching with dismay for all this pleasure is just to satisfy a sexual need. There is no room to feed the hunger in his heart here. Maybe he could just fuck the younger man senseless and eat him afterwards when the throes of passion subside? Tsukiyama’s dilemma continues.

It is never easy with Kaneki. Their relationship was always complicated. He cannot even understand himself anymore. Does he eat too much and now have a heartburn? Why should a meal—no matter how special—occupy his thoughts day and night that he would be willing to be beckoned like a bedchamber slave to provide services deep in the night?

How can he even think straight when he is trapped inside Kaneki. He is getting drunk with the younger man’s scent, thick in the enclosed air of the basement—or now, he is willing to reconsider calling it a sex dungeon.

His partner’s delectable scent is filling his nose like a delicious aroma of a full course meal, taunting and urging to be consumed. Tsukiyama is unbelievably aroused from the heat in his loins and hungry from the unmistakable smell of sex, sweat, and blood in the air. Raw lust is in the air and to thrust his hard member up Kaneki’s warm receiving hole is all he can do. His partner’s little whimpers and moans fill his ears, fuels him, and encourages him to thrust deeper and faster each time.

Sex is but another physical activity like the sparring sessions they do. There’s usually one goal and that is to distract the one eyed ghoul from whatever he needs to be distracted of. If he should be bold enough to guess, it would be to distract Kaneki from his nightmares.

Tsukiyama is kneeling on the floor, thrusting up to Kaneki whose smooth muscled thighs are tightly wrapped around his hips and whose teeth are now biting on his lips. He can feel the tight squeeze of his partner’s thighs on his sides whenever he rolls his hips up. He can feel the sweat that makes their skin slide; can feel the drips of saliva when their mouths collide.Their movements were rough, sensual, and frantic. They cling to each other as if holding on to the only anchor that prevents them from drifting in their own sea of depraved nightmares.

There was nothing romantic in how they fuck like animals. What they are doing is satisfying a raw carnal need for sex. Both were intent on achieving their own climax, not caring if the other was satisfied. It was a desperate display for two broken souls to affirm their own existence.

They were kissing, clawing, licking, roughly pulling each other’s hair, and biting their partner’s lips. They were soon back to kissing, lapping on each other’s mouths as if their partner’s tongue can cleanse their wretched selves and as if the breath between them was the very breath of life itself.

Tsukiyama’s mouth was on Kaneki’s neck, scraping his teeth as if taking a bite and licking droplets of his partner’s sweat. He is tempted to bite with his teeth, yes, but he has learned from his mistakes in the past and will now only take what was given him.

And yet, he is still but a man, and now wonders how it would feel like, taste like, to sink his teeth into Kaneki’s supple skin, to pull the flesh away, to feel the blood ooze out and for the flesh to fill his mouth. Perhaps it is the same feeling of taking a bite on an apple? First, you sink your teeth on it, its smell wafts through your nose, you hear the crispy skin break, you feel its juice flowing into your mouth and dripping down your chin, and its taste sweet on your tongue. How heavenly it must be! Ah, but as a ghoul, he knows that he will never know what apples taste like.

Tsukiyama feels Kaneki’s heat, licks Kaneki’s teat, kisses Kaneki’s lips, and it tastes wonderful in his mouth but he knows that it is not enough.

It is never enough.

He is desperate for something—he knows it’s something about Kaneki—but whether to eat, to fuck, to follow, he doesn’t know which one he wants. It feels as if he is a man dying from thirst, trying to quench it by licking leaves for droplets of morning dew. He wants more, _needs_ more and can only plead wordlessly with his eyes and his grunts as he thrusts. 

Kaneki has already given him so much today. How can he ask for more? The more he basks in Kaneki's presence, the stronger the hunger in his heart becomes. It was never like this in the previous times they fucked. He now genuinely believes that he is an addict under Kaneki’s mercy. Kaneki is his drug and his salvation. He can do nothing but yearn for a taste of this drug and allow himself to be enslaved by it. For Kaneki, the proud Tsukiyama Shuu is willing to cry, beg, be enslaved and lose his mind if it means he can stay by Kaneki’s side.

Their entwined skin is hot from the continuous friction. Tsukiyama can feel Kaneki’s hands dragging against his back, with each movement of their writhing limbs smearing their sweat together, mixing their scent and saliva into one.

He is overwhelmed by his senses and still cannot quite believe the sensations he is experiencing. He is at the height of his obsession. He can smell Kaneki, can feel his warmth, can lick his sweat, can taste his mouth, and can feel the very texture of his skin from his hands and tongue. They move like a machine, grinding continuously where one pushes and another accepts. His very erect penis is continuously being rubbed by Kaneki’s tight insides. It seemed to be equally hungry for his thrusts and often tightens whenever the owner moans and cries.

He can hear their thunderous heartbeats from his ears, feel the fast pulse beating from the embrace, and enjoy the sounds of sex; of a rhythmic sound of skin slapping on skin, as every thrust he makes pushes the other to let out a stream of guttural moans. In the heat of the moment, he then feels his partner’s black fingernails dig hard on his back and break his skin.

Tsukiyama closes his eyes in a mixture of pain and pleasure from the scratches on his back. He can smell his blood, can feel it dripping down from the closing wounds. It drips down lower and lower, and he feels his partner’s caress smear his blood.

He stills for a moment, roughly clutching on a handful of Kaneki’s wet hair while his other hand holding the other’s hips. He looks at Kaneki’s face, he _looks_ at Kaneki. 

Kaneki Ken.

Tsukiyama can’t help but think how perfect Kaneki is. Kaneki is beautiful with all his contradictions: how he is a man and yet smells like a woman, he kills no human but murders ghouls, be so strong and yet so fragile, look so adorable and yet be so fierce. Kaneki is like a fallen angel, clipped of his wings and sentenced to an undeserved life in hell to torment his foes and be tormented by his woes.

Self-punishment is perhaps the reason why Kaneki fucks him. The younger man’s self-hatred consumes him to the point where he can only ease his guilt by blaming himself. Kaneki tortures himself. In doing so, he is left with an empty scarred part of his soul that he lets no one see nor enter. He locks it deep within, hurting himself. He needs strong physical sensations from either a fight or from sex as an outlet—lest he becomes crazier than he is— to compensate for the emotional void of his broken soul.

At first, Tsukiyama is happy to be used this way, but now, he realizes his heart hungers for more things he cannot quite explain. It makes him think about ridiculous selfless thoughts he doesn’t understand and because he has never done this for any person, let alone any meal, he does not know what to do.

Staring at the mismatched eyes of Kaneki, Tsukiyama can see the look of lust and danger on the younger man’s eyes. Only one of the eyes staring back at him are ghoul eyes, but one look is enough to tell you that you are staring at a predator at play. Kaneki is so, so beautiful.

Kaneki knows he has power over Tsukiyama. Right now, he is merely but a toy to give pleasure. That’s how this always goes when he gets a call in the middle of the night, inviting him to come and spar. This feeling of emptiness in his hungry heart, however, has never felt so strong.

Kaneki brought his blood-smeared hands to his mouth and sucked sensuously.

 “Mmhmm--- go harder.”

With this command, he urges Tsukiyama to roll his hips harder for deeper thrusts. Kaneki gripped his own hard phallus with bloodstained hands and masturbated off to the rhythm of the taller man’s thrusts.

“There, right there. Fuck. Ah-aaah.” 

Soon, the younger man was panting with shorter breaths, his whole body bobbing up and down from Tsukiyama’s movements, and his hands roughly rubbing his own member with a rhythm that becomes faster and faster. His eyes are closed, his mouth agape, and he can feel the incoming orgasm building up.

 “Ah--- ahhh! I-I’m cuhm-aaah!”

Intense pleasure quickly surged through him as Kaneki felt it explode like a burst of electricity from his lower region. He sees a flare of light across his closed eyes and hears a long moan coming from his own throat. White seeds now stain his stomach. Pleasure creeps up his arched back, washing through his body like liquid fire, causing him to tremble and feel the warmest and most satisfying of sensations. It warmed his body, leaving tingling sensations in its wake and his back and limbs with a heavy ache. He tries to prolong the last wave of his orgasm by riding the unrelenting rhythm of thrusts on his rear.

Tsukiyama feels as if he’s drunk, drunk on the sight of the white haired ghoul pleasuring himself, moaning in ecstasy. It was like watching a high wattage light bulb become brighter and brighter, and finally explode from the high voltage of electricity that surge through it. He was mesmerized.

If he can eat this scene, he would. But all he can do is to let his eyes feast at the sight of Kaneki getting lost in his euphoria. He does not even mind if he has not had his climax yet. Seeing this scene was satisfying him in ways that his loins could not understand.His eyes absorb the scene, seeing for the first time how he does not only hunger for Kaneki, but adores him completely. He drinks the sight of his partner’s arched back, looks at the sweaty white hair, sees his blood on Kaneki’s hands, notices the flush on his partner’s skin, and craves those plump kissable lips. He needs to go to a doctor, he is sick with heartburn.

He stares at Kaneki with wonder. The four chambered muscle in his chest acts up again, but this time, it swells with happiness from the sight of the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. Kaneki is perfect and beautiful and Tsukiyama knows he will never want to leave this person’s side.

As Tsukiyama stares at his partner in awe, Kaneki starts to feel fear deep within him. As the last lingering wave of orgasm leave his body, the emptiness and darkness returns to him. He was deep in his own needs earlier that he did not notice that Tsukiyama was awfully quiet, staring at him as if he holds the answers for the secrets of the universe. It unsettles him. He can see the emotion in the other’s eyes. Tsukiyama is looking at him with adoration and wonder, as if, as if he is not looking at someone so filthy and disgusting.  

No, no, no, no! He cannot handle this right now.

He feels hopelessness creep in. Kaneki can feel it on his skin, like thousands of crawling insects and filthy hands writhing, grabbing, pulling, and drowning him down in a bloody pool of his sins and failures. Like the large calloused hands of that other disgusting man, Yamori, gripping his ass and pounding at him with abandon in that god-forsaken checkered hell. He somehow feels he deserves it.

The reason he usually invites Tsukiyama late at night was to selfishly escape his nightmares by exhausting himself through tedious sparring or rough sex. Normally, post-coital bliss will be enough to knock him into dreamless sleep for hours. Now, the shadows of his fear, his dark emotions are coming back to him, whispering hatred in his ears even before sleep can claim him for the night.

This treacherous, elegant man he just fucked is not supposed to be staring at him with such tender sentiment in his eyes. Even though Tsukiyama is untrustworthy, he accepted him because Kaneki has a plan. He knows Tsukiyama will betray him again to eat him and _will kill him_ if he shows any weakness. Kaneki accepted Tsukiyama to join his group because if the time comes when he loses control of himself, he expects Tsukiyama to swiftly kill him, like a knight who sees his liege unfit to rule. 

Dark thoughts and whispers continue to swirl in Kaneki's mind. His nightmares haunt him in his wake, haunt him in his sleep, consume his thoughts, and overtake his body. He does not know who he is anymore. This is why he does not want to acknowledge the feelings behind the eyes that lovingly stare at him. He has noticed it for weeks, but now, he can clearly see it in Tsukiyama’s eyes. It disgusts him. He cannot take it. He knows only one way to prevent these feelings and that is to remind Tsukiyama of who he truly is; a ghoul, famished for his flesh.

Kaneki then resorts to the thing that he wanted to avoid. It will confirm what his dark thoughts have been telling him all along—that Tsukiyama will kill him, devour his flesh, and move on. Maybe he was a little flattered to have Tsukiyama always singing him praises and bringing him books, and always coming whenever he asks without any question.  Somehow, he feels that Tsukiyama is the only one that understands him. He can sense that the older man is hiding a broken soul behind his purple hair and expensive suits. He needs to know if there is a possibility of something... something in Tsukiyama that he may allow himself to feel… that something. Kaneki dreads this moment.

“Bite me.” Kaneki whispers at Tsukiyama’s ear, still panting heavily in the afterglow of his orgasm.

Tsukiyama’s eyes widens in surprise. His admiring gaze is now replaced by an appraising and hungry predator’s face.

Kaneki disentangles himself from Tsukiyama’s arms and turned his back from him. With no emotion in his voice, Kaneki said, “Go on. You haven’t even had your release yet; fuck me and then bite me.“ 

“Are you sure?” Tsukiyama was hesitating but he cannot resist the chance to finally eat Kaneki. He cannot hide his eagerness and excitement! His stomach gurgles in hunger, his mouth salivates, and his hungry heart forgotten in exchange for having his first ever a bite of an apple.

“Do it.” Kaneki said, ignoring the fear and pain he feels in his heart.

 

END OF CHAPTER1


	2. Aching Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The half-ghoul feels as if the other man can understand him. He knows this despite the absence of words. For this reason, he felt like he could let go. And Tsukiyama did understand this all too well, so much, that he just silently held Kaneki as they both wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for flashbacks about rape/non-con, crying, and Tsukiyama drama.

“Do it,” Kaneki said.

This is the moment Tsukiyama has been waiting for. He is allowed a bite! A bite! How marvelous!

How and where should he bite Kaneki? Oh he can imagine the fount of blood that will spurt out no matter where he bites. He can imagine it so clear. He will parch his thirst with the coppery blood and then take his time ripping off the skin, savoring it in his mouth and then chewing it slowly. Instincts tell him to fuck and feed but another part of his mind, the one that has been contemplating all this time, pleads for control.

“What are you waiting for?” Kaneki demands. Tsukiyama’s silence was unnerving. The younger ghoul knows that he is probably salivating right now. 

With Kaneki’s words, Tsukiyama ignores the silent plea in his head. Given the explicit permission to fuck and bite, he will do with the instruction as he pleases. He will strive for the ultimate taste that will bring him the greatest satisfaction. He has decided! He will bite Kaneki, as he releases inside Kaneki. He wonders what spice will it add to Kaneki’s already delicious flavor?

The mere thought of cumming inside Kaneki and getting to bite him at the same time was enough to make his half hard penis erect again. He doesn’t need to rush the bite, but he sure as hell cannot make his neglected member wait.

“Kaneki, I only aim to please you, ” Tsukiyama said, as he placed both of his hands on the younger man’s shoulders and lead him to the nearest wall. He took a deep breath. He then lowered his hands to embrace Kaneki’s torso and in one sharp thrust, burrowed his penis inside.

Kaneki felt it lodge inside of him; it was so warm and full, filling him up again for the second time that night. It wrenched a surprised moan from his throat. He was expecting a bite, not a thrust, and had to lean on the wall in front of him for support.

Tsukiyama is brimming with lust. The thought of getting to bite Kaneki while fucking him brought too many strong desires out of him that he just tried to focus in satisfying the one that was already throbbing and leaking inside his partner. He pounded into the younger man with abandon. The rhythm is rough as Kaneki so often requests, but this time, the white haired ghoul was silent.

To move his hips and let the titillating sensations continue was the only thing that drives Tsukiyama. Oh how he loves the repetitive slapping sound of his thighs hitting Kaneki’s ass, and the half-ghouls hands clinging on the wall to meet the force of his thrusts, and all this just makes him so horny and go into overdrive. His thrusts were becoming more frantic. He can feel the warmth in him building up as he gyrate his hips harder to get into the fast and deep rhythm his body craves. He could imagine the satisfaction of releasing his seeds inside the half-ghoul and feel the pleasure drench him wet as his orgasm explodes through his body. And yet, he cannot relent just yet, and end this undulating feeling of pleasure heating his lower regions into a pile of mush and raw pleasure. 

Kaneki has not recovered from his earlier release and was still groggy from the heat, the lust, and the emotional beating his dark thoughts put him through. He is tired from days of sleepless nights, rough fucking, and with all these conflicting sensations and contradicting actions floating in his head. He felt his knees weakening and slid to the floor with his ass up, his hips still held by his partner’s firm grip.  Tsukiyama followed him down, kneeling in between his ass to lift one of his legs up.

Kaneki closed his eyes.

It hurts.

The younger man is bleeding. His entrance usually bleeds when they have rough sex, but it never felt quite like this. He usually doesn’t feel the pain, only the warm throb of pleasure washing through him. What feels different now is the emotions creeping up on him that was never there before. He knew it the moment he saw those loving eyes staring at him earlier. He knew it when the darkness within him whispered seeds of doubt on his ears and crushed any sense of hope for having something… more.

He doesn’t deserve such things anyways.

Kaneki couldn’t breathe.

Flashes of memories come before his closed eyes.  He feels like he is losing control once again and this terrifies him. The pain was coming not from his bleeding rear, but from the deep dark depths of his heart. It feels too familiar and scary. It was unearthing bad memories he buried deep inside himself.

_Yamori._  

He remembers Yamori, the person who he once loathed from the core of his being. That man tortured him, raped him, and broke his soul. That deranged man raped him again and again; panting and sweating behind him like a huge filthy pig humping his back.

As Kaneki slid in and out from consciousness in that black and white checkered hell, he would sometimes find himself tied up and kneeling on a chair, hands tied on the backrest, and his ass presented up. Without preparation, Yamori would force him from behind and use his own blood as lubricant. At times when Yamori feels generous, he would prepare him using the wrench made from Quinque steel and pierce it up his entrance. It felt so painful that the injuries from the wrench would not heal immediately. During those times, he would feel the warm blood leak down his inner thighs, and he would scream and plead for Yamori to stop.

That man disgusts him because he violated him, made him filthy and feel forsaken. He remembers his captor’s nauseating breath that smells like blood. It was disgusting and sick, and yet in his weak depraved state, the blood smelled most delicious to his nose. He hated himself for thinking that.

He was so weak and hungry then from continuously being tortured and raped for days without food. The only taste of blood he could get—that was not his own— was from the very mouth of the man that was raping him.

It destroyed him; his own body betrayed him. He was cumming from being raped and even his mouth was yearning for a drop of blood from his captor’s mouth. Even the promise of getting to suck Yamori’s cock was appealing. His ghoul instinct to eat and fuck almost devoured his humanity too.  He was disgusting!

The worst thing Yamori did was to bring in spectators while he was being raped. It was the mother and child whose lives he could not save, nor spare them the sight of him being violated. Even the smallest ounce of pride he had left was stripped away from him when they saw him in his lowest and most disgusting state. He was about to plead for food, and would have willingly licked his captor’s cum that was sprayed on his face. He covered his mouth to prevent himself from screaming.

He couldn’t breathe. He wanted the nightmares to stop.

Tears are now dripping down Kaneki’s face. One of his hands is gripping his mouth shut, while the other one tries to support his head from hitting the floor. Kaneki was not even aroused. His partner’s thrusts quickened and soon he felt the final push that delivered warm and wet liquid to fill his insides. He knows that that cum will soon drip down his inner thighs mixed with blood. He smelled the familiar scent. It was not Yamori’s; it was Tsukiyama’s scent.

As soon as he realized this, it calmed him. He is not in Yamori’s lair no more. He is safe. But then, a sharp and sudden pain rattled him to the core as the flesh on his left shoulder was bitten away. He felt his flesh being ripped by sharp teeth and his blood oozing down the wound, coating his left arm and back with the warm red fluid. It was painful, but nothing new. He did not scream. He only wept silently.

It was Tsukiyama’s first real bite of Kaneki’s flesh. He had to close his eyes and savor the amazing taste. It was everything he ever wanted and then, right there and then, he realized it was nothing—nothing like he expected. He felt his heart hunger in pain. 

It was wrong. The taste was delicious, magnificent, exquisite, and perfect. It was _très bien!_ Yes, the taste was all that and yet, the taste came with bittersweet feelings that he knows could only be his very own.

This was not how it should have felt like. He should have felt accomplished and hungry for more of Kaneki’s flesh. But in reality, he felt the hunger in his heart ever more strongly. His heart was wanting, needing, hungry, thirsty, and empty all at once. And he knows only one person can sate all his needs and fill the emptiness he never even realized was there.

Eating Kaneki cannot fill this emptiness. He needs more than this to satisfy his hungry heart. Now that he got his most sought after taste of the half-ghoul’s flesh, he can tell he was wrong about eating Kaneki. He tried to label this feeling as hunger, but in truth, he would not be satisfied with a bite, or with the whole arm, or a smorgasbord of Kaneki’s flesh on his dining table. What he wanted went beyond the hunger for flesh, blood, and even sex. What he really wanted was something more complex than that. 

Despite his current realization, Tsukiyama tried to make the best of the bite he had. He licked the blood that was oozing down the other’s now healing shoulder. He opened his eyes and was struck still at what he saw. 

Tsukiyama’s heart sunk.

All internal monologues ceased as the sight of his—of Kaneki’s tears freely falling down his cheeks, like a silent stream of rain on glass. Dried tracks of tears that fell before it stained the other’s cheeks, and he can tell the half-ghoul has been crying for a while.

He cannot believe Kaneki was crying and he had the gall to be so selfish!

The half ghoul’s eyes were now both normal and what he saw were just beautiful gray eyes, glistening with tears alight with terror. The look in those beautiful eyes, however, seems so distant as if he was reliving some kind of nightmare he can only see. The older ghoul could hear his heart shatter inside his head. How can he be so stupid and inattentive? He sighed.

“Oh, Kaneki, please, please stop crying. I am sorry.  I am very, truly, deeply sorry. ” Tsukiyama whispered most solemnly as he pulled Kaneki to his embrace. Never before has he wanted something in his whole life so bad. He was not only apologizing for taking a bite, but for all the times he thought eating Kaneki was the answer to the emptiness he feels.

The white haired ghoul felt physically and emotionally drained. He wrapped himself in his partner’s arms and leaned his head on the other’s shoulder. He was breathing in Tsukiyama’s scent, his breath is warm against his partner’s neck, and his lips close to his partner’s pulse. Kaneki unloaded all of his feelings by letting his tears flow; flow unto the person who he has been hurting, fucking, and using all this time. The terror he felt from the flashbacks ebbed away as his tears fall down and drips onto the other’s shoulders.

Those tears soon became loud sobs of pain and anguish he never knew he could let out. It poured out as fat droplets of tears and whimpers made up of raw pain and emotion. Right now, Kaneki found solace in Tsukiyama’s arms. He has found a person not to wash away his darkness, not to whisk him away to some bright and beautiful place of lies, but someone willing to become as dark and filthy and ugly as he is by becoming tainted like him, and staying by his side. What they had was the irresistible and unexplainable attraction of two broken souls trying to fill the void in their lives.

The half-ghoul feels as if the other man can understand him. He _knows_ this despite the absence of words. For this reason, he felt like he could let go. And Tsukiyama did understand this all too well, so much, that he just silently held Kaneki as they both wept. 

Tsukiyama took all this time to realize what he truly wanted. What he wanted was Kaneki as a person. The person who accepted him, the one who gave him a second chance, the one who always calls him in the middle of the night, the one who pretends he doesn’t care, the one who likes to read books, the one who is now crying in his arms and is silently pleading him for help.

He wants Kaneki to… to be always by his side. He wants to be happy with Kaneki, to belong to one another, to trust, to hope, to care, to hold, to love.

_Love!_

It was such a weird feeling to realize it. It was love all along. It was so elementary, so basic, so simple and yet so complex that he didn’t even know what he was feeling was the beginnings of love. His eyes widen in realization and he feels ashamed for being such an idiot.

Stupid! Shuu, you are a stupid idiot!

He tightened his embrace on the younger man as tears continue to stream down his face. Tsukiyama was now sobbing as well. It was ugly crying; exactly what his mother taught him not to do as a child, as it was unsightly and unbecoming from a child of a dignified family. That does not matter any more. What matters now is that he knows what he feels and what has been ailing him all along. It was not heartburn, but heart ache. How could he not have realized this sooner? He has hurt Kaneki so many times.

This was perhaps the first time they embraced after a fuck. It felt good. The younger man would occasionally sigh and sniffle from crying. They were still naked, leaning on the wall of the basement and embracing each other with blood, sweat, tears, and cum on their bodies. It was comfortable.

As a few silent minutes passed and both their tears have lapsed, Tsukiyama tenderly stroked the other’s cheek. “Kaneki, I’m—I’m so sorry,” Tsukiyama said, as if he can fit all the emotions he felt that night into those little words.

Kaneki looked up to him with puffy red eyes and said, “Why? I’m the one who asked you to bite me. ”

Tsukiyama sighed. Right now, he wants to show the other how much he loves him. How to do that was the question. He doesn’t know what to say. 

“Yes and I feel like I somehow forced you to say that. Not that you didn’t taste delicious, you taste quite exquisite just as I have expected! Such flavor! I wanted to bite you even mo— ah, no. I didn’t mean it like that… I— I…” Tsukiyama was at a loss for words. Not knowing what else to say, Tsukiyama said, “I—I think perhaps… perhaps we should get ourselves cleaned up now?”

Kaneki was still quite content within the embrace and was snuggled close to Tsukiyama, but then the sudden suggestion made him aware how the comfort was temporary.

“Yes,” was all Kaneki said in reply as he hastily stood up from the embrace and collected his discarded clothing from the floor. He was slightly limping and wearing only his shorts when he went up the stairs and left Tsukiyama alone in the basement.

Tsukiyama watched the door to the basement close as he mentally punishes himself for his wrong choice in words. He can tell Kaneki was somewhat upset, disappointed even. He felt like he was back to where he started when he was whisked away to the basement earlier that night. He was confused.

He thinks confusion will be the norm for him in the future despite now knowing that he is in love. How do you love anyways? He was a gourmand after all, knowledgeable in the ways and fineries of human meat. A lover he is not. Though he may fancy the romance languages, loving or being a lover is such an alien concept to him because you need to co-depend with another for that feeling to come about. From the books he has read, lovers share their hearts with one another. Does it mean he serves his heart on a platter for Kaneki to eat? Or was he supposed to rip his heart off and wear his heart on his suit’s sleeves? He has a lot of researching to do.

He will not waste time! Time is of the essence!

_Essential!_

He stood up, now burning with determination to pursue his newfound… status. He will not dally.  He grabbed his clothes, hastily put on his pants, and ran up the stairs to talk to Kaneki.

**END OF CHAPTER 2**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe fluff will happen in the next chapter?   
> I'm not sure if I should make this fluffy now or more dramatic.   
> I don't even feel there is a story anymore.   
> It's more like just thoughts, sensations, and actions of the characters.  
> I'm also sorry for making it rain commas.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> :)


	3. Puppy Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukiyama being a big dorky dog in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I write Tsukiyama, I always hear him talking with a British accent. I don't know why. haha

Talking to Kaneki was the plan, but right now, the gourmet is just staring at nothing particularly interesting.

Tsukiyama Shuu is now standing half-naked in the dim lighted kitchen of Kaneki’s apartment. He doesn’t bother opening the lights for the atmosphere in the kitchen fit his mood perfectly. 

He is leaning on the kitchen counter and is biting his lips in deep thought. In his hands, was his poor excuse of a dress shirt. It was missing buttons and was ripped on the seam by the sleeves. What did he expect from Kaneki’s cloth ripping frenzy earlier that night? He needs a new shirt.

There are lots of other things he should be thinking about, but right now, he doesn’t know where to start. He is the kind of person that always thinks before he acts. He likes to plan things, and though others may think he is impulsive at first, he is the contrary.

And yet, he forgot to bring an extra set of clothing knowing that Kaneki’s anger with his fashion sense is vented on his clothes during their bouts of sex. But all this frustration is not about the shirt. No, it is not. It’s about Kaneki.

He sighed.

He knows he is inexperienced in love. What does he have to do now? What does he do with this overwhelming feeling in his chest? He now knows its name, knows what it wants, but how does he get Kaneki to understand he just had a metanoia? He has converted into—into something—someone else.

He is now enlightened, has seen the error in his gourmet ways, and now needs to journey on a new path towards fulfillment. He is not becoming a monk or anything. In fact, he imagines his future to be as blissful, lustful, and sinful as ever. He doesn’t really believe in anything but Kaneki’s—butt.

What? No! Why does he make no sense anymore? It’s ‘but’ not ‘butt’. Tsukiyama lets the tattered shirt go, as he put one of his hands to his forehead. He feels a headache coming. Why can’t he think straight? Oh, right… it’s too late for that.

But…what if… what if Kaneki does not accept him after this? He does want more than what Kaneki has been giving him. He wants more attention, more of Kaneki’s time, more of his kisses, his hugs, his caress, and more of his trust. 

What to do now that he knows he is in love with Kaneki? All the things he planned about eating Kaneki are no more. It is last season’s clothes. Right now, he needs a new one. Yes, he does need a new shirt. 

Tsukiyama nervously stare at the hallway in front of the kitchen. He is staring at the light in between the gap of the bathroom door. Kaneki is taking a bath right now. He could hear the shower, could actually imagine the warm steam filling up the bathroom, and the naked half-ghoul glistening with rivulets of water sliding down his skin. He wants to lick it.

He glances at the clock. It’s 12:03 am. Kaneki has been in the bathroom for a while now. He misses the half-ghoul already.

It’s best if he makes use of his time. He figured offering Kaneki a steaming cup of coffee would somehow serve as a peace offering of sorts. He grabbed the coffee pot with the intention of making fresh coffee.

They were not fighting, but he just feels so nervous right now. The two of them never get to talk seriously with each other. They spar, fuck, and consult each other when gathering intelligence, but other than that, it's very rare for them to just chat. He longs for the day when he can openly talk to Kaneki about anything and everything: from the books he has read, to the random stray kittens in the streets, to the delicious bone marrow he secretly nibbles on when nobody is looking. 

Oh, Kaneki. His heart can’t help but long for the other ghoul. He is afraid that his heart cannot handle rejection right now. What if… Kaneki told him he is not needed anymore? What will happen if he tells him his feelings and Kaneki dismisses it as some insincere confession? He needs to build real trust first.

The door to the bathroom slowly opened. Steam rolled out the door, as Kaneki emerged from the bathroom all scrubbed clean and clothed. He was wearing one of his plain black shirt and shorts. 

From the hallway, Kaneki can see the half-naked Tsukiyama holding a coffee pot and staring intently at the coffee maker. It was as if the intensity of his stare could levitate the machine. Tsukiyama did not notice Kaneki come out from the bathroom at all. He was deep in thought. 

The half ghoul realized he is probably staring at the other man a little too intense himself, that he could probably levitate the other as well. He appreciates Tsukiyama’s profile in the dim light, because the shadows accentuate the other’s strong build.

He thinks Tsukiyama is handsome. That was clear the first time he saw the other man and how he thought he was a model. Clearly, he wouldn’t even have initiated the fuck sessions if he was not physically attracted with the other ghoul.

Right now, he thinks Tsukiyama looks more handsome with the memory of their recent tryst fresh in his head: the muscled skin he ran his hands over, the purple bed head hair his hand mussed, the dried blood from the other’s back, and he could even vividly imagine what was underneath the other’s pants. But they did not have a tryst. No, they are not lovers, it is not a tryst; calling it a fuck session seems to be more precise.

All over Tsukiyama’s neck and shoulders are bite marks, scratches, and love bites he himself inflicted earlier. He realized his body was probably in a similar state. He kept the shower on so hot that the steam fogged up the mirrors. He remembers how secure and warm he felt within the other’s arms and how he trusted Tsukiyama enough to let himself be held while he cried.

Kaneki blushed.

He could usually handle the sex. What he can’t handle was the crying he—they both cried. They both still had puffy red eyes as evidence. Tonight is different. It was a different sort of skinship that involves some kind of higher power other than their lusting crotch.

Kaneki had to break the silence or else he might end up staring at Tsukiyama until sunrise.

“You can use the bathroom now. ” Kaneki said carefully, still guilty about how hard he was staring earlier.

Tsukiyama suddenly turned his head towards him, like a deer caught on headlights. He got startled and dropped the coffee pot on the floor, breaking the glass and covering his only good pants with this afternoon’s coffee. Thankfully, the coffee was not hot.

The older man just stood there dumbstruck, with his mouth agape and his right hand against his surprised heart. He felt like he had a heart attack.

“What the… you broke it. Tsukiyama what’s wrong with you?” Kaneki annoyingly said, as he rushed to grab a rag to clean up the spill.

Tsukiyama just stood there staring at him, with his mouth trying to form words a few times before he actually got to say, “I’m sorry.”

The gourmet was thinking how there’s a million things going on his mind right now. There’s a million things wrong with him and how to say that there is something wrong with him is even one of those things. Maybe, he should write Kaneki a letter instead? 

In a normal day, the half ghoul would have kicked the other man out for breaking the coffee pot, but right now, seeing the other’s face looking so sorry made him a little soft. The other man was apologizing to him once again. It looked genuine too.

“Just go, okay. It’s fine,” Kaneki said with a sigh.

Tsukiyama’s face suddenly looked so scared as he said, “Go? Go home? Like this?” His eyes grew wide as if his earlier fear of being rejected is coming true! He did not even say anything worth kicking him out for… yet. Ah, he did break the coffee pot but it was an accident! He is sorry!

If it was possible for a grown ghoul man to look like a kicked puppy dog, that’s how Tsukiyama looks right now. It looked liked a scene of a big dog who made a mess and is pleading at his master with their big eyes to please not to let them sleep outside tonight. Kaneki’s problem was that he liked dogs—even those that bit him twice already.

“No, I meant a fucking bath! You—you, just leave this to me and go,” Kaneki said, as he picks up broken pieces of glass off the floor. The half ghoul was avoiding eye contact because he’s blushing. Good thing it’s dark in the kitchen. 

“A bath! Yes, I do need one,“ Tsukiyama said, relieved that he was not being kicked out. He hates being told to leave and would love to stay inside the house. He promises not to make any more mess and would always listen to whatever Kaneki says.

“Go now. I can’t clean this up if you’re just standing there,” Kaneki said, still avoiding the other’s eyes.

A little bit of the older ghoul’s confidence came back to him as he said, “I will be needing clothes though, seeing that my shirt,” Tsukiyama gestured to the shirt on the counter, “is ripped and my pants is—well, soaked in coffee.”

“Well aren’t you demanding? Yeah, I’ll find you something,” the half-ghoul murmured in a tired tone. He grabbed the torn shirt off the counter and used it as a rag to clean up the remaining spill.

Tsukiyama was just looking at him, meaning to say something how that shirt was a few hundred dollars, but realized he would have just thrown away the shirt anyways. Well, really, its not the shirt. Its more like the representation of how useless his old feelings were and how Kaneki sees it something he can mop the floor with. He now knows what he wants and he will make sure the next shirt he will buy will be used to care of Kaneki, make him warm, and soak up his tears.

The gourmet made a little bow, looking thankfully at Kaneki for being lenient on him. He went into the bathroom not only to clean up, but to _calmato_. It seems he cannot calm himself with Kaneki in front of him. If he had a tail, it would have been wagging right now.

 

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

 

A few minutes later, Tsukiyama came out from the bathroom, all clean and wearing only a towel on his lower half. He tied it tight around his waist and had another towel on his shoulders to dry out his hair.

The smell of coffee wafted up his nose. Kaneki probably had a spare coffee pot. He could have replaced the whole machine with a better, higher quality one, but knowing Kaneki, he will not accept it.

He followed the wonderful smell and found Kaneki sitting in the dark living room. The half ghoul was hugging his knees, and his head on his folded arms. He noticed there’s two cups of hot coffee on the table and assumes the one farthest from Kaneki was for him. How sweet.

He sat down, crossing his legs and smoothing the towel on his lap.

Tsukiyama can tell the other ghoul was tired, but still on guard. He always is. It just made his heart hurt knowing that Kaneki is hiding so much pain and anguish locked so tight within him.

He knows Kanou’s ghoul operation on him was but a little part of the problem. What haunts Kaneki was the trauma of not being good enough, not being strong enough, and his failure of not being able to protect himself or others. If he wants Kaneki to trust him, he needs to help Kaneki overcome his darkness.

“You can leave after you’re done drinking your coffee, “ Kaneki said abruptly, with his head still down on his arms.

The older man thinks that he will be drinking none then. He will get to stay _forever_. That response would undoubtedly be responded with a quick shove out the door.

“I will not be drinking coffee then,” he said, as he couldn’t help himself from saying it.

Kaneki eyed him with contempt, wanting to indeed shove him out the door right now. But the half-ghoul is too tired and returned to rest his head on his arms. “Then what do you want? Just leave now then, ” Kaneki said. His own coffee was untouched.

If Tsukiyama wants to help Kaneki, he needs to talk to the half-ghoul first and then… maybe, get to tell him how he feels. He has mulled things over when he took a bath and he has made a decision. He will help Kaneki, and then confess to Kaneki.

Tsukiyama took a deep breath and sincerely said, “ I want to help you. I want to be not only your knight or your sword; I want to be a pillar you can rely on for all your problems. I want to be the basin to catch your tears and wash away your sorrows. I want to be there for you, always. 

The half ghoul was silent for a few seconds, trying to assess the honesty from the handsome face of the man that betrayed him twice. Those were some nice words. But that’s all they are—words. He looked at him with such tired dismissive eyes and said, “Hmm? You already are helping me. Why do you think I keep on calling you late at night? Do you think I fuck you just because I want to?”

Tsukiyama’s heart got stung from those words. He knows he’s being used, but to hear it outright from the person he loved most pierced his heart. “Kaneki, please listen. I am truly being sincere here. If you but open up a little, I will be there to help you through hard times.”

“Heh, sounds like something you’d say in a drama. Where’d you learn that?” came the quick reply.

Here it is. Tsukiyama is battling Kaneki’s sarcasm. The half ghoul is often quiet and reasonable at times, but when he’s in his one of his moods, Kaneki’s tongue could turn into a rapier that could rape one’s heart. The older ghoul never cared for sharp words spoken to him before, but now that he knows he loves Kaneki, those words hurts him so much. It felt like a pen is stuck in between his heart and he cannot pull it out.

It’s getting hard to breathe.

“Then, I think I deserve to know why. Why you started calling me over to sleep with you,“ Tsukiyama asked, with just a touch of impatience for having his sincerity mocked and dismissed so easily.

“We don’t actually sleep together. We fuck. It’s called fucking,” Kaneki said, now his full attention was on Tsukiyama. He detected the impatience in the normally patronizing gourmet. It was odd and yet refreshing at the same time.

“Very well, called me over to ‘fuck’. I think I deserve to know why, right?” Tsukiyama barked back.

Kaneki is amused. The other ghoul would usually just absorb his harsh words with no care and bounce back with sweet replies coated in lies. Now, the other was becoming affected. In a way, he liked this more honest Tsukiyama. There is something definitely different this night. He sighed deeply and decided to give honesty a try as well.

In a tired voice that was almost like a whisper, Kaneki said, “You want to know why? It’s because I can’t sleep,” he paused and closed his eyes. “I have these… nightmares when I sleep and sometimes its… even when I’m awake as you’ve seen earlier. I found out that if I’m exhausted from _fucking_ or fighting, that’s the only time I get some decent sleep. I’ve read about my problem so… I don’t really need your help.”

Tsukiyama is staring quietly at Kaneki. He wants nothing more but to protect and embrace the other within his arms, and whisper nothing but assurances of the half ghoul’s strength and say promises of better days. He needs to help Kaneki. “Post-traumatic stress. I’ve handled some cases like that in my field classes. Is it— is it because of what… Yamori did to you?”

Kaneki sighed and replied with his defenses back up. “Look, I don’t want to talk about it. You told me to tell you why, I did. Don’t you dare try to psychoanalyze me. You’ve already helped me tonight, so _thank you_. Now you can go home.”

Tsukiyama is ever more determined right now. The half ghoul’s response to his question was more progress that he expected. If he wants to let Kaneki understand how he feels, he needs to help heal Kaneki’s heart first. What he needs to do is to get the other ghoul to open up. Not much different from his earlier plan of get-trust-and-eat-Kaneki, but now it’s get-trust-confess-to-Kaneki-and-then-love-him-for-eternity.

“You’re forgetting something. I can’t go yet,” Tsukiyama said, as he gave one of his small confident smiles, “as much as I think people will appreciate seeing me half-naked, I don’t think it’s proper for me to take public transportation in a towel. Don’t you agree? Most especially with all these marks you left me as souvenir to remember you by.”

The tension in the air was broken. The half-ghoul lowered his head on his arms once again, but this time, to cover the blush on his face. He can remember the taste of the gourmet’s sweat on his tongue as he gave him those marks. He decided to ignore the souvenir comment. “You lie, you probably never even taken a train or a bus in your life. I know you have a car. Either somebody drives you here or you park your car some blocks away.” 

”Why, I didn’t know you were so curious about me, Kaneki,” the older ghoul said, with a hand on his chest, looking so touched that Kaneki was keeping tabs on him.

“Still, I do need to borrow some articles of your clothing. I will not be picky, I promise, as long as it covers what needs to be covered for decency’s sake. It’s becoming quite chilly with nothing but a towel on. But of course, if it pleases you for me to promenade around the house in nothing but a towel, in the wee hours of the night, that is also fine with me,” Tsukiyama said with a smirk.

Kaneki is too tired for this. He can’t even come up with a witty reply to wipe the smirk of the other’s face. He wants to punch that smirk away or smash it against the wall. Not tonight though, not tonight.

He looked up at Tsukiyama who was waiting for him to say something—anything.

“The clothes. It’s up in my room,” Kaneki said in reply. His face was serious as if he just slapped a gauntlet on Tsukiyama’s face and threw it down the other’s invisible Italian leather shoes.

Both of Tsukiyama’s eyebrows went up from the issued challenge. He doesn’t know what to make of this. Is it a joke? A trap? Is it round 3? No! It is a chance for him to prove that he is trustworthy and is capable of helping the half ghoul. This is a test! “Then lead the way and I shall follow,” the gourmet said carefully. 

The two ghouls were staring at each other. It was as if a silent staring match was going on between them. Both were trying to assess how the other will react in this weird situation. 

Kaneki was never good at staring matches, most especially against a big puppy who looks so expectant at you when you say they get to go up the room. He let out a sigh, stood up quietly, and walked up to his room with the towel-clad gourmet following closely behind.

 

 

 

END OF CHAPTER 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pace is slow as usual.  
> I'm sorry if this feels different from the other chapters.  
> I figured something light is appropriate after all the sex and heavy drama.  
> I just always figured Tsukiyama and Kaneki to not only spar physically, but also battle using their wits and quick comebacks. The idea of them just bickering and snapping at each other, and disproving each other's book theories just makes me smile. (Probably will happen after Tsukiyama confesses to Kaneki) <3
> 
> Please tell me what you think?  
> Oh, and thank you for reading! :D

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger.


End file.
